Failure
by Kat Lee formerly Pirate Turner
Summary: Lex ponders the events that led him to embrace his fate as a Luthor. Future fic. Clex.


Title: "Failure"  
Author: Pirate Turner  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: Various episodes in the first two seasons  
Summary: Lex ponders the events that led him to embrace his fate as a Luthor. Future fic.  
Disclaimer: Lex Luthor, Clark "Superman" Kent, Lionel Luthor, Jonathan Kent, and Smallville are © & TM DC Comics and are used without permission. Everything else is © & TM Pirate Turner. The author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction.

**_I wasn't always like this. My Father never ceased to seize a chance to remind me of my tyrannical lineage, but I refused to accept that fate as a child. I was determined to prove him wrong and make something better of myself, and for a few years, I actually thought that I might succeed in doing just that. I saw him for what he was and was bent on proving that I was more and better than the Luthors who had come before me. I cared. I was compassionate_** -- the tall man who stood by his office window, staring out at Metropolis' bustling night life, snorted softly in disgust at his own past self -- **_but I was also a fool._**

**_I should have known it couldn't last. Nothing good ever does. Even money can be whisked away at the drop of a hat no matter how powerful its owner if he should fail to be careful and wise in its usage. Every one thinks that the only things that matter to the great Lex Luthor are wealth and power, and they will never know how wrong they are or that what I lost as a boy was the most valuable thing I could ever possess. They'll never know that the heart that they all think is made of ice is in truth still bleeding from that loss all those years ago._**

His eyes flickered and his heart burned as he recalled the boy from his young adulthood -- that one boy who had been the only one to ever come so close to rescuing him; who had, at times, been the only reason why he had clung to the good side for as long as he had; and who had also been the one who had caused him to surrender to his true nature. His expression curved into a dark scowl as his memories of his past continued to torture him in complete silence. **_It's ironic, really. At the time that we first met, he saved my life. He rescued me that day and would continue to rescue me until that tragic, fatal day that eventually caused me to pull out of Smallville, but we would have both been so much better off if he had only let me drown._**

**_He claims to have such a high code of ethics. He pretends that that's the reason why he's spent so much of his life devoted to helping and even saving others. Where was his code of ethics on that day; on the day that would spell my doom; on the day that I, in my youthful ignorance, finally told him the truth? Where was his code of ethics when I gave him my heart?_**

**_I had thought I already knew pain then. I had lost my mother so early in my childhood, and the rest of my life had been nothing but misery until he came into it. I was the worldly, sophisticated, done-it-all and seen-it-all-more-than-twice man, and he was the innocent country boy with the heart of gold -- or, at least, that's what I had thought until that day. That single day proved everything that I had come to live for wrong, shattered what little faith I had managed to piece together, and completely changed my life._**

**_I had been through a lot, far more than most people could ever imagine, but I still never thought it could happen to me before I met Clark Kent. I was the heartbreaker, not the one with the tender heart that was so easily crushed, and even after I married that black widow who Clark not only rescued me from but also his father, I still never thought it could happen to me. I had little trouble recovering from that, but in that time, Clark and I grew even closer._**

**_I tried to fight it. Before him, I would have never imagined that I could feel such things for another guy, but he filled me with more passion and love than I ever felt for any other thing. He invoked feelings in me that I thought were long buried. He made me believe that I might actually achieve good in the world and gave me hope that I wouldn't fall to the Luthor legacy, after all. I trusted him completely. I gave him my heart, and, eventually, I even shared my secrets with him. I let him in more than I ever dared to let any one else in, far more than I feared was safe, and then . . . _**

**_Then, I told him. Then, I gave him my heart only to have him rip it into tiny, bleeding shreds when he turned away from me. He told me he wasn't that type. He told me that he could never feel that way for another guy. I knew he was lying then, but nothing I tried succeeded in making him realize that there was nothing wrong with our love. He lied to me then, and he's continued to lie to me ever since. _**

Lex slowly turned away from the window and began to make his way back to his desk. **_I continued to try to make him see the reality of our relationship for months after that until the day he blew up in my face. He called me names and used words that I never thought I would have heard from his mouth; there were even some that I didn't even think he knew. I knew I had lost him completely then and that I would never be able to get him back, so I gave up. I left Smallville, and I began to build my empire at any costs. I am a Luthor. It's what's expected of me, and I might as well give the world what they expect when I no longer have the heart to give them what I once wanted to or to right the wrongs that my forefathers committed._**

**_I gave the world what they expected of me, and Clark grew to become the supposed hero known universally as Superman. When he came to Metropolis and we met again for the first time after all those years, he continued the lie, but this time he added something new and unexpected. This time, he pretended to not even know me, and that hurt even more. It was then that I began to pour all of my fury and thirst for vengeance into my work. We've fought many times since then, and he has always almost had the winning hand. Perhaps it's a game to him. I don't know. I'll never know. All I know is that every time I see him and every time he pretends not to know me or proves again how much he's grown to hate me, a little bit more of my humanity dies._**

Lex moved his large chair to set its back to the door, and then he sank onto its soft, cushiony seat. **_It truly is ironic. The world thinks he's the hero and that I am nothing more but a power-hungry tyrant. If they want to think that, I'll let them. I do not wish to destroy Clark's image since it's become so important to him, and they would not believe me any way. The irony of the truth -- that the so-called hero is the cause of my turning "evil" -- shall be for our knowledge alone._**

**_As a boy, I was determined to set right the wrongs that past Luthor's had caused. My goal in life was to prove that I was better than my Father and those who had come before him and to make the Luthor name good again. I would have rather died than become what I am today. I failed in all of that, but I would not have if he had not ran from our feelings. I am a failure, but he made me what I am today. Does that not make the Man of Steel also a failure? _**

In the complete darkness of the office, the powerful man known as Lex Luthor bowed his head. His hand shielded his handsome face that was writhed by agony as two tears escaped to slip silently down his face. Despite everything, he still loved Clark, but he also knew now that whatever Clark had felt for him when they were boys was long gone. Lex would always love Clark, but Clark would never allow himself to return that love. That one innocent boy that everyone else viewed as a hero had completely destroyed the heart that that same world would never know Lex Luthor possessed, and in his lonely and dark life, Lex finally allowed the tears of his shattered heart to fall.

**The End**


End file.
